First Paragraph Revision:

Original:

With art having this power of bringing people together, just think of the power of what it can do. It could really be an eye opener to people. All of these people together have the great ability to make a change. Two is always better than one like one thousand is better than one hundred. Imagine all of the hands, brains, and voices working together, all sharing the same ideas and goals, the force and impact that they have on what they feel could be truly incredible. Titus Kaphar, a self taught artist,had something special brought to his attention what he brought his children to an art museum one day. His son opened his eyes, he brought to his attention the racism in the art that they were viewing. They were viewing a historical structure of Theodore Roosevelt riding a horse while children not of his race walk on the ground beside the horse. Kaphar went on to want to change this, to stop it, and to make people see his idea. Kaphar brought people together through his art, making them realize what a part of our history is. This brings people together sharing the idea of racism and how real is was in our history, and even so today. His art brings attention to the colored people in it that didn’t have it previously. This is an eye opener. Kaphar talks about “the impact that art can have”(10:38 Ted Talk). This is what I am trying to say. Racism being so greatly noticed back then and now, this art helps people come together and notice these ideas and facts, and help put a greater note on the world that says it needs to stop. Looking back, in the same way, the EA’s being brought together, potentially by art, or even not with art, you can clearly see that people forming together can do amazing things like start a movement or spread an awareness.

Altered:

With art having this power of bringing people together, just think of the power of what it can do. It could really be an eye opener to people. All of these people together have the great ability to make a change. Two is always better than one like one thousand is better than one hundred. Imagine all of the hands, brains, and voices working together, all sharing the same ideas and goals, the force and impact that they have on what they feel could be truly incredible. That is power. Titus Kaphar, a self taught artist, had something special brought to his attention what he brought his children to an art museum one day. As a result, his son opened his eyes, he brought to his attention the racism in the art that they were viewing. They were viewing a historical structure of Theodore Roosevelt riding a horse while children not of his race walk on the ground beside the horse. Kaphar went on to want to change this, to stop it, and to make people see his idea. Kaphar brought people together through his art, making them realize what a part of our history is. This brings people together sharing the idea of racism and how real is was in our history, and even so today. His art brings attention to the colored people in it that didn’t have it previously. This is a powerful eye opener. Kaphar talks about “the impact that art can have”(10:38 Ted Talk). This is what I am trying to say. Racism being so greatly noticed back then and now, this art helps people come together and notice these ideas and facts, and help put a greater note on the world that says it needs to stop. Looking back, in the same way, the EA’s being brought together, potentially by art, or even not with art, you can clearly see that people forming together can do amazing things like start a movement or spread an awareness.

-I used Parallel Structures and Transitions to help me when I was tweaking this paragraph that I had already written previously.  While reading W-4c out of “The Little Seagull”, I noticed that these two things could help me in this paragraph. With parallel structuring, I like that it potentially gives the reader a better understanding of how important art is. By continue to read how it relates to being powerful, maybe subconsciously the reader will get it in their mind that, yes, art is indeed powerful. With the Transition structuring help, I feel like even just that little bit helps the paragraph run a little smoother and also help tell the story in order of what happened to help with my evidence and supporting my claim.

Second Paragraph Revision:

Original:

While art can help us see ideas that are overall good and help us make a change, it can also help us see the truth. Art says a lot about our history and who we are today. As mentioned before about Kaphar, he noticed what history takes place in art through time. He sees that it is wrong, wrong that we put people of color in the back. We put people of color before everything else. “There are more written about dogs in our history than there is about this character.”(9:10 Ted Talk). That is sickening, but it is true. Art is powerful in this way as well, and history does not lie. Art is valuable in the is way in the sense that it reminds us of who we were, who we are, and they we need to fix it. Art helps us change by showing us our history. Kaphar talks about when he was in school, in his art class his professor wanted to skip the chapter about black history in art, she didn’t want to give it the time of day. After Kaphar did all he could, “We’re going to skip this chapter today.”(5:39 Ted Talk) We are the same as were were. Not entirely of course, but the idea that colored people matter less still lies around. Art reminds us of our history, this is valuable, we need this because sometimes some of us form ignorant opinions, that shouldn’t be at all. We need to be reminded of our history, to remember to not be like we were before, and art helps with that.

While art can help us see ideas that are overall good and help us make a change, it can also help us see the truth. Art says a lot about our history and who we are today. As mentioned before about Kaphar, he noticed what history takes place in art through time. He sees that it is wrong, wrong that we put people of color in the back. We put people of color before everything else. “There are more written about dogs in our history than there is about this character.”(9:10 Ted Talk).  Art is powerful in this way as well, and history does not lie. Art is valuable in the is way in the sense that it reminds us of who we were, who we are, and they we need to fix it. Art helps us change by showing us our history. Kaphar talks about when he was in school, in his art class his professor wanted to skip the chapter about black history in art, she didn’t want to give it the time of day. After Kaphar did all he could, “We’re going to skip this chapter today.”(5:39 Ted Talk) We are the same as were were. Where is the change?  Art reminds us of our history, this is valuable, we need this because sometimes some of us form ignorant opinions, that shouldn’t be at all. We need to be reminded of our history, to remember to not be like we were before, and art helps with that.

-I used Sticking to the Main Point and Parallel Structures when I was revising this paragraph. After reading about the Sticking to the Main Point passage in “The Little Seagull” I thought that it could apply with at least one paragraph I wrote. I found it to be this paragraph where I strayed off from the main point of the paragraph a few times, after reading from “The Little Seagull” It made it easier for me to determined which sentences I needed and which ones I could get rid of, like sentences I used to connect my own opinions. I don’t need those. They were, to me, opinions that only I would understand if I was reading it, because I am the one who wrote it. I also used Parallel Structures again for this paragraph as well. I really like the idea of it, and that it can potentially help the reader understand your views better with spreading and important part of the point your making in that paragraph across the entire paragraph.

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– This Process has infected my writing over all because when I write another paper I will not only feel like I have “The Little Seagull” to look bag on for help, but also as I continue to use these tips and ideas, I will remember them and hopefully they will become natural to me as I write. Making me a better writer. It will help me grow and hopefully help me branch out from my usual five-paragraph-essay way of writing that has been programmed in my brain since fifth grade.